To say these past few weeks have been a learning experience would be the understatement of the century. I’ve had monumental highs to incredible, dark lows of despair that I wasn’t sure I would ever find my way out of. I learned to rely on those close to me, because without them, I’d be forever stuck. I accepted help when every ounce of me wanted to refuse it for the sake of my husband, son and myself. I even went as far as entering into a intensive outpatient treatment facility in hopes to deal with grief and pain I’ve done nothing but run from for months on end.
I guess you could say the day we buried our son, a huge part of me stayed with his vessel in that grave yard. While his soul, I’m certain, has moved onto something far more beautiful than words can describe, the last “thing” of my son was just right there beneath this stone. If I could have, I think at times I would have dug the hole and curled up ready to die right next to him. I didn’t know how to mourn; How to grieve such a heavy grief; How to even cry in front of my own family. My own two year old son had rarely seen “momma” cry. I refused to let him see that emotion in fear of scaring him or confusing him.
Now, with time, and intensive therapy, I’m learning as a child, he needs to see these raw emotions. While throwing things at the wall, smashing or punching things, or screaming aren’t necessarily the healthy routes to take to express and convey my grief, the tears are a normal and natural process that he needs to know are more that ok. If not for himself, than for his future wife and children (or husband if that’s what he chooses.) Don’t get me wrong, this whole crying in front of others’ thing isn’t like a on/off switch; It’s certainly a gradual process, but one I’m willing to work on, for not only my health, but the health of my family.
Also with therapy came new medications (Some days I feel like a walking pharmacy and have went as far as carrying a list so I don’t forget them all!!) The new medication, while not a magic wand and instant fix, gradually is bringing me out of the depths of total darkness giving me quite of a few days of sheer joy mixed in with a few days of utter despair. Hopefully, with further therapy and continued better communication with my husband (oh and this fabulous new hobby I call a regular sleep schedule) things will slowly keep improving and the days of despair will merely be a distant memory.
Along with this, we’ve been pondering ideas to honor Caden’s life, no matter how short. At first I thought something small and gravesight would be nice, but after thinking more and discussing it in therapy I decided mentally, I wasn’t too sure that would be benefitial to ANYONE involved. So instead we are thinking of ways instead to give back. I see Caden’s life as a true, however unexpected, gift and miracle. Even with him gone, I still stand firm in my belief. God gifted us with a miracle for 20 weeks, so how can we not “return the gift” in some small way?
Now as we begin the week, I pray the Lord leads us to where we could do the most good,guides another secretive project I’ve been throwing around and gathering ideas for, and also watches over our family as we proceed with a few doctors appointments and testing that could potentially be life changing for us as a family. I pray over not only my family of three, but also some other members currently having their own struggles. May God give us all his peace, loving and caring guidance and clarity as we go forward this week!!